“You will be granted three wishes,”
the genie said,
“But don’t do that bullshit
where you tell me you want infinite wishes.”
“Okay,” I agreed, then thought a bit.
“First,” I said,
“I would like to have the perfect body.
Age-appropriate but the ideal weight,
toned and fit
without having to do all that pesky cardio
And I want to be able to eat all the flourless
chocolate cake I want
without deleterious effects on my waistline
Or blood sugar.”
“Uh, all right,” the genie said.
Poof! Then I immediately needed to buy new jeans.
“Second,” I commanded,
“I would like the ability to travel through time
to see any concert I want:
The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, the Rolling Stones
Before they got kind of leathery
The Who with Keith Moon
Janis Joplin and the Doors
Downward Spiral-era Nine Inch Nails
Depeche Mode on the Violator tour…”
“Okay, I think I get the idea,” the genie replied,
“But not only that, like operas with Mozart in the orchestra pit,”
“Oh and Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong and Django Reinhardt…”
“All right, all right, wish granted!”
And so it was.
“Third,” I said, “I would like to be handier than I am.
Have the ability to fix my own car
or plumbing or rewire my house.
Know how to use a circular saw
without cutting my hand off.”
“Usually by now,” the genie pointed out,
“people have asked for a large
amount of money so that
they never have to worry about finances again.”
“But think of all the money I’d save!” I exclaimed.
“This is basically like asking for the same thing.
What do you even spend your money on?
Oh, and I’d like to have my own show on HGTV.”
And this too was granted.
The genie was pretty impressed
when I tiled the backsplash of his kitchen
inside his lamp.
And I quickly became a pretty big hit
on Canadian public television.