Did You Hear?

Holy shit, we found life on Mars!

Living life, right on Mars!

Not just some kind of fossil,

but something alive right now,

an actual alien!

One of the rovers found it

and sent pictures back to Earth.

And it took them a while to figure out

what they were looking at,

but the guy from NASA

reading the press release

was crying,

sobbing like a baby,

on the air.

Granted,

it’s probably not what you were imagining.

It doesn’t seem very complex,

doesn’t seem to be able to communicate.

It’s not humanoid.

I don’t know what you’d call it.

It’s like a large black slug,

no arms or legs,

not much of a face,

but a round mouth

revealing sharp teeth.

Kind of like a big lamprey?

Have you ever seen them before?

It’s the grossest sea creature I can think of.

Biologists aren't sure what these things eat,

but it's theorized that they cannibalize each other.

But they also seem to breed a lot,

little baby Martians shooting out of the anuses of their parents.

Video footage shows that the Martian’s primary activity

is vomiting some kind of greenish-black oily substance

that it uses to move across the planet’s surface.

It’s very popular right now.

There are stuffed animals for sale,

and a children’s show is in development.

The Martian is a meme, naturally,

used to express disagreement or disgust

in online arguments.

Some scientists go on talk shows

and talk about plans to bring a couple back to Earth

study them, breed them, monitor their population.

PETA is outraged, of course.
Personally, I’m fine with leaving them there.

I look at Mars now when I walk the dogs at night,

imagine these things

sliding around on their own barf.

To go where and to do what,

we don’t know.

And I say aloud, “Huh. How about that?”